Tag: Sausage Travel

Sausagefest Travel Warning: Adelaide, South Australia

Rusted skull and cross bones danger sign
Adelaide’s Anus Beef Sausages Triggered A Sausagefest Travel Warning
By Billy Bratzenbier
For The Love Of All Things Sausage, Avoid Adelaide!

This recent news item from the land down under prompted us to issue yet another “Sausagefest Travel Warning.”

You: This sausage really tastes like cr@p!

Your Aussie Friend: Well mate, what do you expect? You ordered an Anus Beef Sausage!

Per this Daily Mail article, “A new variety of meat has hit Australian supermarket shelves.” That’s right, Free Country Anus Beef Sausage was seen on the shelves at the Foodland in Valley View, a suburb of Adelaide.

At Sausagefest.com, we love our sausage and celebrate its many different varieties. Butt, enough is enough. Here’s where we draw the line.

You don’t want to go down under … you don’t want to have that conversation with your Aussie friend … you just don’t want to go there!

Sausage Travel Warning Details

Sausage Alert: Sausagefest Travel Warning
Alert Level: High
Where: Adelaide, South Australia
When: Effective Immediately
Duration: The Adelaide Travel Warning will remain in effect until further notice.
Action: If you love sausage, stay away from Adelaide.

Florida Iguana Rain

By Billy Bratzenbier
Further Frozen Floridan Fallout

According to this article from The Guardian by Julia Carrie Wong, “Extreme temperatures across the east coast are causing cold-blooded reptiles to ‘shut down’ in Florida, while elsewhere sharks and penguins are feeling the chill.”

So alligator lizards are falling from the air? Maybe I should write a song about that … sorry, too little, too late Billy! The band America already sang about that back in the seventies. You probably remember America. They’re the band who became famous singing about heat that was hot. People found it hard to disagree with that. Forty six years later and heat is still hot. Except in Florida. With frozen iguanas falling from the sky, it couldn’t have been very hot in Florida.

Besides the frigid temps, other strange things are happening in Florida. Last month I wrote about frozen sausages falling out of the sky in Florida. Now it’s the iguanas turn.

So how do you deal with this, what do you do? Well, Billy ain’t exactly a Boy Scout, that’s for sure. But he’s down with their motto “Be Prepared.” He’s visiting Florida in a couple weeks and needs to prepare.

Take Action

For the benefit of others planning to visit the Sunshine State here’s Billy’s “Lizard Blizzard” Three Step Plan:

1) Pack a sausage helmet. You can pick up a used one here.

No matter if it’s raining frozen lizards or frozen sausages, your sausage helmet will protect you whether you take a hit on your left brain or your right brain or both.

Remember, the frozen iguanas are still alive so it’s best just to leave them alone and let them defrost and recover naturally. Besides, Billy’s planning a vacation not an iguana safari!

If you happen to get caught in a frozen sausage rain, keep reading.

2) Pack your recipes.

For the right brained: This oureverydaylife.com article by Natalie Smith is presented as a narrative and answers the question “Can You Cook Sausage When It Is Still Frozen?”

For the left brained: Ellen Douglas shares this recipe in her article entitled “How to Cook Frozen Sausages” on Livestrong.com. It is broken down into steps and is quite direct.

3) Heed the sage advice from this Japanese horror movie: “Don’t Look Up!”

Sausagefest Travel Warning: Bradford, England

By Billy Bratzenbier
If You Love Sausage, Stay Away From Bradford, England

Here’s another disturbing story from across the pond and let me tell you, this one has Billy all lathered up! As a service to our visitors and to sausage lovers everywhere, we have issued our first “Sausagefest Travel Warning.”

It has become abundantly clear that Bradford, England, is no longer a safe haven for sausage lovers. It’s not even safe for the birds! Within a short period of time and right before our eyes, Bradford has deteriorated into a sausage police state. While the U.S. State Department sits on its hands and watches, Bradford continues to inflict pain on its sausage loving citizens. Like a schoolyard bully, it won’t stop until someone stands up, pins it down and says “No more!”

Bradford’s latest actions call for an all out boycott and a Sausagefest Travel Warning. Yesterday an emergency meeting of Sausagefest’s Security Council was convened. Its members condemned Bradford’s anti-sausage actions and voted unanimously to approve the travel warning.

Yesterday an emergency meeting of Sausagefest’s Security Council was convened. Its members condemned Bradford’s anti-sausage actions and voted unanimously to approve the travel warning.

This linked article describes how the sausage haters in Bradford recently fined a mother whose kids were caught feeding sausage to pigeons. Their action is anti-family, anti-avian, anti-sausage and outrageous! Further, it’s become apparent that this is just part of an overall plan to outlaw sausage and discredit sausage lovers in Bradford.

Last month I lamented that the sausage police at Shirley Manor Primary Academy in Bradford, England, had implemented a new policy banning sausage rolls from packed lunches. You may recall that Shirley Manor’s Sausage Seizers confiscated a student’s sausage roll from his lunch and ultimately fed him two slices of plain bread as part of their “healthy” diet plan. Now a Bradford council official has fined a mother because her five year old daughter and three year old son allegedly fed sausage roll pastry crumbs to pigeons while eating lunch sitting on a park bench.

What will it take to remedy this situation? Diplomacy? Robert Heinlein’s phrase “Never attempt to teach a pig to sing: It wastes your time and annoys the pig” comes to mind. An economic boycott? No, we don’t want to harm Bradford’s sausage lovers, we want to help them. A large scale sausage drop? This may be our best option. It’s been done before and is very effective, especially when conducted in early morning hours.

As George Bernard Shaw said, “I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.” Alas poor George, it looks like we’re going to get dirty. Bradford has left us with no choice.

By dint of its recent anti-sausage actions, Bradford has earned the top spot on the Sausagefest Wall of Shame. As a result, we are prepared to take action. In the meantime, avoid travelling to Bradford at all costs!

Sausage Travel Warning Details

Sausage Alert: Sausagefest Travel Warning
Alert Level: High (well-done)
Where: Bradford, England
When: Effective Immediately
Duration: The Bradford Travel Warning will remain in effect until further notice.
Action: If you love sausage, stay away from Bradford.

Defensive Strategies:

Should you find yourself in Bradford we suggest the following:

  • 🌭 1) Remain calm as you plan your exit strategy
  • 🌭 2) Keep your sausage hidden
  • 🌭 3) Don’t feed the birds
  • 🌭 4) Employ a Dual Lunch Strategy at school*

*Dual Lunch Strategy:

Take two lunches to school. Pack a healthy decoy lunch for the inspectors and a hidden edible lunch for yourself. Present the healthy lunch to the sausage seizing lunch inspectors in order to earn their trust and admiration. A combination of rice cakes, tofu and dried organic moss will pass you through with flying colors. It will never perish so you may continue to present this lunch day after day. Take care never to touch it. Meanwhile, smuggle in your stealth lunch of sausage rolls, pork pies and/or pepperoni sticks and enjoy.

Hint: You don’t necessarily have to eat your stealth lunch during officially designated lunch hours. Remember, where there’s a will, there’s a way. The rest is up to you!