Tag: Florida

Evo Terra, A Sausagefest.com Hero

By Billy Bratzenbier
Sausage Super Hero

Given the abundance of negative sausage news out there it’s understandable that any sausage lover might start feeling a bit depressed. There’s the sad story of the 22 year old unemployed, hyphenated Floridian who pelted his mom with sausage because she didn’t drop everything and make him a meal. A true candidate for the Sausagefest Wall of Sausage Shame if ever there was. Then there’s the report out of Milwaukee regarding the shutdown of a sausage plant after recalling 13 tons of headcheese due to a listeria threat. Speaking of the Wall of Sausage Shame, there’s this story regarding the German “sausage cartel” that was fined millions for keeping sausage prices artificially inflated for well over a decade. Another example of fine, upstanding corporate behavior in the modern age.

Sausage price fixing? Really? Enough with your corporate dirty tricks. Leave the sausage loving public alone!

–Billy Bratzenbier

Fortunately, it’s not all bad news. We recently discovered a new sausage hero who extols the virtues of variety and moderation, sausage style. And what exactly was Evo Terra’s impressive achievement? Losing 14 pounds in October by sticking to a diet of beer and sausages!

But wait. It gets even better. Dr. Terry Simpson, Evo’s doctor, reported that Evo’s cholesterol levels went down by a third while he was on the diet! Now that’s impressive. Bye-bye, statins. We regret to inform you that you’ve been replaced by sausage and beer. Read all about it in Evo’s book entitled The Beer Diet.

Sure, Evo requires the services of a designated driver due to the liquid portion of his diet but it’s a small price to pay for improved health!

We salute you, Evo! You are a true sausage hero and your story is both inspirational and heartwarming.

Check out Evo’s story in this Foodbeast article.

Followup

In Life Lessons – The Beer Diet, Eric Diaz reports on his personal experience following the Beer Diet. Eric lost 8 pounds in 10 days!

Florida Iguana Rain

By Billy Bratzenbier
Further Frozen Floridan Fallout

According to this article from The Guardian by Julia Carrie Wong, “Extreme temperatures across the east coast are causing cold-blooded reptiles to ‘shut down’ in Florida, while elsewhere sharks and penguins are feeling the chill.”

So alligator lizards are falling from the air? Maybe I should write a song about that … sorry, too little, too late Billy! The band America already sang about that back in the seventies. You probably remember America. They’re the band who became famous singing about heat that was hot. People found it hard to disagree with that. Forty six years later and heat is still hot. Except in Florida. With frozen iguanas falling from the sky, it couldn’t have been very hot in Florida.

Besides the frigid temps, other strange things are happening in Florida. Last month I wrote about frozen sausages falling out of the sky in Florida. Now it’s the iguanas turn.

So how do you deal with this, what do you do? Well, Billy ain’t exactly a Boy Scout, that’s for sure. But he’s down with their motto “Be Prepared.” He’s visiting Florida in a couple weeks and needs to prepare.

Take Action

For the benefit of others planning to visit the Sunshine State here’s Billy’s “Lizard Blizzard” Three Step Plan:

1) Pack a sausage helmet. You can pick up a used one here.

No matter if it’s raining frozen lizards or frozen sausages, your sausage helmet will protect you whether you take a hit on your left brain or your right brain or both.

Remember, the frozen iguanas are still alive so it’s best just to leave them alone and let them defrost and recover naturally. Besides, Billy’s planning a vacation not an iguana safari!

If you happen to get caught in a frozen sausage rain, keep reading.

2) Pack your recipes.

For the right brained: This oureverydaylife.com article by Natalie Smith is presented as a narrative and answers the question “Can You Cook Sausage When It Is Still Frozen?”

For the left brained: Ellen Douglas shares this recipe in her article entitled “How to Cook Frozen Sausages” on Livestrong.com. It is broken down into steps and is quite direct.

3) Heed the sage advice from this Japanese horror movie: “Don’t Look Up!”

Yes, Virginia, There Is A Sausage Claus

By Billy Bratzenbier
From The “Don’t Look A Gift Sausage In The Mouth Department”

“Florida family stumped after 15 pounds of sausage falls on house” is the title of this article from ABC15 News.

Earlier this year 15 pounds of frozen Italian sausage mysteriously fell on a family home in Florida. Was the sausage dropped from a plane? Did it fall out of a sleigh? Were Santa’s elves playing with slingshots at their annual summer barbecue a few doors down? It’s likely we’ll never know.

Whatever caused the family to suspect that their lucky meatfall was part of a drug deal is beyond me. If 15 pounds of sausage fell on my house, I’d take it as proof that Sausage Claus exists. Instead of firing up conspiracy theories, I’d fire up the grill but that’s just me, Billy Bratzenbier.