January 03/2018  Commentary

Here’s another disturbing story from across the pond and let me tell you, this one has Billy all lathered up! As a service to our visitors and to sausage lovers everywhere, we have issued our first “Sausagefest Travel Warning.”

It has become abundantly clear that Bradford, England, is no longer a safe haven for sausage lovers. It’s not even safe for the birds! Within a short period of time and right before our eyes, Bradford has deteriorated into a sausage police state. While the U.S. State Department sits on its hands and watches, Bradford continues to inflict pain on its sausage loving citizens. Like a schoolyard bully, it won’t stop until someone stands up, pins it down and says “No more!”

Bradford’s latest actions call for an all out boycott and a Sausagefest Travel Warning. Yesterday an emergency meeting of Sausagefest’s Security Council was convened. Its members condemned Bradford’s anti-sausage actions and voted unanimously to approve the travel warning.

Yesterday an emergency meeting of Sausagefest’s Security Council was convened. Its members condemned Bradford’s anti-sausage actions and voted unanimously to approve the travel warning.

This linked article describes how the sausage haters in Bradford recently fined a mother whose kids were caught feeding sausage to pigeons. Their action is anti-family, anti-avian, anti-sausage and outrageous! Further, it’s become apparent that this is just part of an overall plan to outlaw sausage and discredit sausage lovers in Bradford.

Last month I lamented that the sausage police at Shirley Manor Primary Academy in Bradford, England, had implemented a new policy banning sausage rolls from packed lunches. You may recall that Shirley Manor’s Sausage Seizers confiscated a student’s sausage roll from his lunch and ultimately fed him two slices of plain bread as part of their “healthy” diet plan. Now a Bradford council official has fined a mother because her five year old daughter and three year old son allegedly fed sausage roll pastry crumbs to pigeons while eating lunch sitting on a park bench.

What will it take to remedy this situation? Diplomacy? Robert Heinlein’s phrase “Never attempt to teach a pig to sing: It wastes your time and annoys the pig” comes to mind. An economic boycott? No, we don’t want to harm Bradford’s sausage lovers, we want to help them. A large scale sausage drop? This may be our best option. It’s been done before and is very effective, especially when conducted in early morning hours.

As George Bernard Shaw said, “I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.” Alas poor George, it looks like we’re going to get dirty. Bradford has left us with no choice.

By dint of its recent anti-sausage actions, Bradford has earned the top spot on the Sausagefest Wall of Shame. As a result, we are prepared to take action. In the meantime, avoid travelling to Bradford at all costs!

Sausage Alert: Sausagefest Travel Warning
Alert Level: High (well-done)
Where: Bradford, England
When: Effective Immediately
Duration: The Bradford Travel Warning will remain in effect until further notice.
Action: If you love sausage, stay away from Bradford.

Defensive Strategies:

Should you find yourself in Bradford we suggest the following:

*Dual Lunch Strategy:

Take two lunches to school. Pack a healthy decoy lunch for the inspectors and a hidden edible lunch for yourself. Present the healthy lunch to the sausage seizing lunch inspectors in order to earn their trust and admiration. A combination of rice cakes, tofu and dried organic moss will pass you through with flying colors. It will never perish so you may continue to present this lunch day after day. Take care never to touch it. Meanwhile, smuggle in your stealth lunch of sausage rolls, pork pies and/or pepperoni sticks and enjoy.

Hint: You don’t necessarily have to eat your stealth lunch during officially designated lunch hours. Remember, where there’s a will, there’s a way. The rest is up to you!