Tag: Frozen Sausage

Sausage Spaghetti Western: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

By Billy Bratzenbier
Sausage Spaghetti Western: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

To help get you in the proper frame of mind let’s start this off with the theme from “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly” by Hugo Montenegro and His Orchestra.

Recent sausage news brings to mind the iconic Spaghetti Western “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.” It’s part of the Dollars Trilogy and stars Clint Eastwood and Eli Wallach. Per the IMDB Plot Summary “Blondie (The Good) is a professional gunslinger…Angel Eyes (The Bad) is a hit man…and Tucho (The Ugly) is a wanted outlaw.”

So Billy, what’s that have to do with sausage?

The Good: The Resourceful Butcher

A recent uplifting story featured in US News and World Report tells us about the resourceful butcher who, unfortunately, got locked in a freezer. Despite the perilous situation, Chris McCabe kept his wits about him and found his way out of the freezer. He used a frozen sausage as a battering ram to free himself. Staying cool, calm and sausage-aware helped him to prevail. Good for Mr. McCabe! Chalk up another big win for frozen sausages.

The Bad: Hot Dog Stand Robbery

Per this New York Daily News report, “A 19-year-old who allegedly held up a hot dog stand on Chicago’s South Side ended up firing a round into his own South Side.”

All we ask for is the freedom to buy, sell and consume sausage products without fear of violence, ridicule or sausage persecution.

Is that so much to ask?

–Billy Bratzenbier

Sure enough, a nineteen year old genius decided to rob a hot dog stand at gunpoint. That’s outrageous behavior and is totally unacceptable. Not only is it unlawful, it also violates a sacred trust. In Chicago, places like Maxwell Street Polish are part of our heritage, part of our culture and part of what makes this city great. All we ask for is the freedom to buy, sell and consume sausage products without fear of violence, ridicule or sausage persecution. Is that so much to ask?

The Ugly: Hot Dog Robber Shoots Privates

We go back to the New York Daily News article for this one. Their headline cannot possibly be improved upon: “Man robbing hot dog stand shoots himself in the sausage.”

Despite the seriousness of the subject matter, the brief article is a great read!

Florida Iguana Rain

By Billy Bratzenbier
Further Frozen Floridan Fallout

According to this article from The Guardian by Julia Carrie Wong, “Extreme temperatures across the east coast are causing cold-blooded reptiles to ‘shut down’ in Florida, while elsewhere sharks and penguins are feeling the chill.”

So alligator lizards are falling from the air? Maybe I should write a song about that … sorry, too little, too late Billy! The band America already sang about that back in the seventies. You probably remember America. They’re the band who became famous singing about heat that was hot. People found it hard to disagree with that. Forty six years later and heat is still hot. Except in Florida. With frozen iguanas falling from the sky, it couldn’t have been very hot in Florida.

Besides the frigid temps, other strange things are happening in Florida. Last month I wrote about frozen sausages falling out of the sky in Florida. Now it’s the iguanas turn.

So how do you deal with this, what do you do? Well, Billy ain’t exactly a Boy Scout, that’s for sure. But he’s down with their motto “Be Prepared.” He’s visiting Florida in a couple weeks and needs to prepare.

Take Action

For the benefit of others planning to visit the Sunshine State here’s Billy’s “Lizard Blizzard” Three Step Plan:

1) Pack a sausage helmet. You can pick up a used one here.

No matter if it’s raining frozen lizards or frozen sausages, your sausage helmet will protect you whether you take a hit on your left brain or your right brain or both.

Remember, the frozen iguanas are still alive so it’s best just to leave them alone and let them defrost and recover naturally. Besides, Billy’s planning a vacation not an iguana safari!

If you happen to get caught in a frozen sausage rain, keep reading.

2) Pack your recipes.

For the right brained: This oureverydaylife.com article by Natalie Smith is presented as a narrative and answers the question “Can You Cook Sausage When It Is Still Frozen?”

For the left brained: Ellen Douglas shares this recipe in her article entitled “How to Cook Frozen Sausages” on Livestrong.com. It is broken down into steps and is quite direct.

3) Heed the sage advice from this Japanese horror movie: “Don’t Look Up!”

Yes, Virginia, There Is A Sausage Claus

By Billy Bratzenbier
From The “Don’t Look A Gift Sausage In The Mouth Department”

“Florida family stumped after 15 pounds of sausage falls on house” is the title of this article from ABC15 News.

Earlier this year 15 pounds of frozen Italian sausage mysteriously fell on a family home in Florida. Was the sausage dropped from a plane? Did it fall out of a sleigh? Were Santa’s elves playing with slingshots at their annual summer barbecue a few doors down? It’s likely we’ll never know.

Whatever caused the family to suspect that their lucky meatfall was part of a drug deal is beyond me. If 15 pounds of sausage fell on my house, I’d take it as proof that Sausage Claus exists. Instead of firing up conspiracy theories, I’d fire up the grill but that’s just me, Billy Bratzenbier.