Tag: Billy Bratzenbier

LadBaby Rocks!

By Billy Bratzenbier
LadBaby Hits No 1 in the UK!

At Sausagefest.com we applaud and salute LadBaby and their No 1 UK hit song “I Love Sausage Rolls!” It’s a spoof of the famous Joan Jett hit “I Love Rock and Roll” only with sausage. What could be better, you ask? What could possibly be cooler than sausage and rock and roll? Well, maybe beer and sausage and rock and roll but that’s a minor quibble.

What makes this effort truly fantastic is that, per this The Guardian article entitled “‘I Love Sausage Rolls is for people who can’t eat’: LadBaby’s Mark Hoyle”, proceeds will “benefit the Trussell Trust, a charity that supports more than 1,200 food banks in the UK.”

Even more amazing is that LadBaby also reached No 1 last year with their hit song “We Built This City …on Sausage Rolls!” According to the article, “The money from last year’s single provided 70,000 three-day emergency food parcels.” We think that’s wonderful.

LadBaby, you are a Sausagefest.com Hero!

Sausage Hate Abounds

By Billy Bratzenbier
No Love For Love Sausage

We at Sausagefest.com are increasingly aware that the sausage world is constantly under attack, most recently by an elected official in Scotland. Paisley Southeast Independent Councillor Paul Mack has called for Marks & Spencers Love Sausage to be removed from Renfrewshire outlets! Marks & Spencers Love Sausage is a heart shaped, bacon wrapped sausage, which was marketed as a Valentine’s Day special.

This Daily Record article entitled “Controversial Paisley councillor takes aim at Marks & Spencer’s ‘Love Sausage’…” details the Councillor’s misguided attempt to ban the sausage. Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed. Per the article, “Conservative Councillor Tom Begg jumped to the defence of M&S in a response to [Mack’s] email,” adding “I can think of nothing more romantic than two Cumberland sausages wrapped in pastry (sic) in the shape of a heart for dinner in the evening of St Valentine’s Day.”

“I can think of nothing more romantic than two Cumberland sausages wrapped in pastry (sic) in the shape of a heart for dinner in the evening of St Valentine’s Day.”

Councillor Mack is no stranger to controversy. According to this Mirror article, “In October 2016, Councillor Mack was grilled by the watchdog after he claimed a council-funded trip to Germany was an excuse for his colleagues ‘going on the lash and playing hide the Frankfurter’.” The Mirror article provides further information about the good Councillor’s “expenses paid junket to Germany”.

Despite Mack’s protests the Love Sausage is safe, at least for the time being. Still, the Councillor’s actions represent yet another uncalled for and senseless attack on sausage. Perhaps he would be better off hiding Frankfurter in Germany.

For the love of sausage Councillor, leave our sausage alone!

Embrace the Sausage, Grasshoppers!

By Billy Bratzenbier
Embrace the Sausage, Grasshoppers!

This just in from the “One person’s sausage is another’s poison” department:

The Problem

Hayley Higgins, a “mum of four” from Norris Green, Liverpool, dared to look a gift sausage in the mouth and now must be held accountable. Manna from heaven, in the form of sausage and chips, showed up at her door on Christmas Eve. Instead of thanking her lucky stars for this stroke of sausage serendipity she put up a big fuss because she didn’t get the pigs in blankets, roast potatoes and sprouts she had ordered weeks in advance. Ms. Higgins was the benefactor of a huge holiday sausage upgrade and didn’t even realize it! Her good fortune was twofold: In addition to getting sausage for Christmas, she no longer needed to choke down sprouts and pretend to like them.

Rather than thanking Asda, the grocer who provided the wonderful free sausage upgrade, she disparaged their good name even though they apologized and later delivered the items she initially ordered.

The Solution

What an outrage! Repulsive, sad and misguided! Ms. Higgins is certainly no friend of sausage. When we at Sausagefest.com see sausage being treated so poorly we feel duty-bound to speak out. We recommend immediate enrollment in sausage remediation courses for Ms. Higgins, as well as as a good dose of sausage sensitivity training. We can only hope that she does not pass her misguided sausage hatred on to the next generation of sausage lovers.

Needless to say, this sausage ingrate has earned her spot on the Wall of Sausage Shame.

Embrace the sausage, grasshoppers!

Proceed to the Liverpool Echo article

In Search of the Naked Truth

By Billy Bratzenbier
In Search of the Naked Truth

After a photo of a naked butcher preparing sausages appeared on Facebook, Australian authorities have vowed to get to the bottom of the story. They seek nothing but the bare facts and will not ass-ume anything. Nothing shall “hinder” their efforts to expose the naked truth.

Per the ABC Australia article, the photo “shows a butcher handling sausages dressed in only boots and an apron, leaving his bare buttocks exposed.”

The butcher has been terminated from his employment and a meat recall has been issued.

It would be easy to “crack” a butt joke here but the naked butcher has enough problems without being made the butt of a sausage joke. Besides, this is no laughing matter! We have already issued a travel warning for Adelaide, where a supermarket sold “Free Country Anus Beef Sausage.” At this point we’re not sure whether there’s a connection between the naked butcher and the special sausage sold near Adelaide. Whether these two stories are isolated incidents or are perhaps indicative of a larger pattern of bad sausage behavior in Australia has yet to be determined. We are bummed either way. It appears that sausage in the Land Down Under has hit bottom!

Welcome to the Wall of Sausage Shame, naked butcher!

Evo Terra, A Sausagefest.com Hero

By Billy Bratzenbier
Sausage Super Hero

Given the abundance of negative sausage news out there it’s understandable that any sausage lover might start feeling a bit depressed. There’s the sad story of the 22 year old unemployed, hyphenated Floridian who pelted his mom with sausage because she didn’t drop everything and make him a meal. A true candidate for the Sausagefest Wall of Sausage Shame if ever there was. Then there’s the report out of Milwaukee regarding the shutdown of a sausage plant after recalling 13 tons of headcheese due to a listeria threat. Speaking of the Wall of Sausage Shame, there’s this story regarding the German “sausage cartel” that was fined millions for keeping sausage prices artificially inflated for well over a decade. Another example of fine, upstanding corporate behavior in the modern age.

Sausage price fixing? Really? Enough with your corporate dirty tricks. Leave the sausage loving public alone!

–Billy Bratzenbier

Fortunately, it’s not all bad news. We recently discovered a new sausage hero who extols the virtues of variety and moderation, sausage style. And what exactly was Evo Terra’s impressive achievement? Losing 14 pounds in October by sticking to a diet of beer and sausages!

But wait. It gets even better. Dr. Terry Simpson, Evo’s doctor, reported that Evo’s cholesterol levels went down by a third while he was on the diet! Now that’s impressive. Bye-bye, statins. We regret to inform you that you’ve been replaced by sausage and beer. Read all about it in Evo’s book entitled The Beer Diet.

Sure, Evo requires the services of a designated driver due to the liquid portion of his diet but it’s a small price to pay for improved health!

We salute you, Evo! You are a true sausage hero and your story is both inspirational and heartwarming.

Check out Evo’s story in this Foodbeast article.

Followup

In Life Lessons – The Beer Diet, Eric Diaz reports on his personal experience following the Beer Diet. Eric lost 8 pounds in 10 days!

Diapers? Really? Who Ya Crappin’?

By Billy Bratzenbier
Diapers? Really? Who Ya Crappin’?

Last Monday the fate of sausage in the free world found itself under siege once again! Today we can all rest a little easier, thanks to the efforts of Scout and Emma, employees of the Canadian Border Patrol. (Funny, they don’t look like sausage dogs!)

Scout and Emma sniffed out a dastardly attempt to illegally smuggle sausage into Canada. Four kilos of sausage were found inside the luggage of a passenger arriving at Toronto’s Pearson International Airport on a flight from El Salvador. Authorities discovered “three packages of sausage links that were well-concealed in layers [of] plastic, aluminum foil, paper and diapers.”

Per the Canadian Border Patrol, ‘Smuggling sausages in diapers will not work.’

At Sausagefest.com we try not to be judgmental! We understand that different people enjoy sausage in different ways. So if you feel like stuffing eight pounds of sausage into your diapers and strutting around in the comfort and privacy of your own home, go ahead — knock yourself out! But please, pretty please with sausage on it — do the rest of us a favor and stay home! This does not need to be seen in public. What has been seen cannot be unseen!

We appreciate and applaud the efforts of our friendly neighbors to the north, especially Scout and Emma!

Link to Global News Canada article

Microsoft Sausage Love

Hot Dog Stand
By Billy Bratzenbier
Remembering “Hot Dog Stand”
Once Upon A Time, A Long Time Ago

Once upon a time, a long time ago, a company named Microsoft included a free and unique theme in its Windows 3.1 product. That theme was entitled “Hot Dog Stand” and is considered by some to be among the ugliest Windows themes ever. This TheNextWeb article entitled “World’s worst theme proves Microsoft once had sense of humor” provides more info, as well as a screenshot of the “Hot Dog Stand” theme.

Microsoft products have been around during most of Billy’s adult life and he’s no stranger to software application programs like MS-SQL Server, MS-Exchange Server and MS-Office. If implemented and integrated properly, those software packages can significantly improve business productivity.

In the digital realm, Microsoft is a lightning rod. Many people harbor strong opinions about the software products and the company:

The Haters

I’ve heard kids and their parents cussing out Bill Gates and Microsoft when school projects became delayed due to computer crashes. You know the drill — the student has been given weeks to complete a term paper but doesn’t start working on it until the night before it’s due. Invariably, their Windows computer senses the time crunch and begins to misbehave, requiring extensive patching or multiple reboots or both when time is of the essence. In the days of “Hot Dog Stand,” Blue Screens Of Death (BSOD) and General Protection Faults (GPFs) were commonplace. To complicate matters, printers would sometimes stop talking to their connected computers in shows of solidarity. Almost as if these products were programmed to sense vulnerability and to pounce on it at every opportunity.

The Fan Boys & Girls

Then there are the true believers, so intoxicated by the Microsoft Kool-Aid that they fail to consider or accept that other products exist, products capable of doing the job more quickly or more economically or both. It must say “Microsoft” on the label, else it’s no good. Spare me!

The Rest of Us

Many of us can get by most of the time with a simple word processor. We’re happy as long as the software works. Do you recall the last time you used Microsoft Word’s Bibliography feature? Or the Table of Contents? Or Index? No doubt they’re great features if and when you need them. Do you use them? Do you need them? Maybe, maybe not.

Love ’em or hate ’em, we applaud Microsoft’s inclusion of the “Hot Dog Stand” theme in Windows 3.1. As a company that’s inclined to sell ice to polar bears in winter, it’s truly amazing that they provided this fine work of art at no additional cost. Bravo, Microsoft!

Sausagefest Travel Warning: Adelaide, South Australia

Rusted skull and cross bones danger sign
Adelaide’s Anus Beef Sausages Triggered A Sausagefest Travel Warning
By Billy Bratzenbier
For The Love Of All Things Sausage, Avoid Adelaide!

This recent news item from the land down under prompted us to issue yet another “Sausagefest Travel Warning.”

You: This sausage really tastes like cr@p!

Your Aussie Friend: Well mate, what do you expect? You ordered an Anus Beef Sausage!

Per this Daily Mail article, “A new variety of meat has hit Australian supermarket shelves.” That’s right, Free Country Anus Beef Sausage was seen on the shelves at the Foodland in Valley View, a suburb of Adelaide.

At Sausagefest.com, we love our sausage and celebrate its many different varieties. Butt, enough is enough. Here’s where we draw the line.

You don’t want to go down under … you don’t want to have that conversation with your Aussie friend … you just don’t want to go there!

Sausage Travel Warning Details

Sausage Alert: Sausagefest Travel Warning
Alert Level: High
Where: Adelaide, South Australia
When: Effective Immediately
Duration: The Adelaide Travel Warning will remain in effect until further notice.
Action: If you love sausage, stay away from Adelaide.

Super Bowl Party Food Map

By Billy Bratzenbier
Wait, what? Chex Mix and Pinwheels?

Today the Sausage Feed featured an article by Jonathan Raymond about Super Bowl party foods. “It’s not wings: States’ favorite Super Bowl party foods revealed.” For those who may not know, The Sausage Feed is “Sausage News For Youse (Guys)” and features all kinds of articles about sausage. You never know what will appear there and it keeps updating so check it out regularly.

Anyway, the Super Bowl party food article caught my eye and now I think I’m getting the short end of the sausage stick, if you know what I mean! Our publisher, Kent Antonious, is flying down to Florida to take in the Super Bowl and to engage in high level sausage and wine talks with Dr Z, our awesome foodie friend and all-around great guy. Meanwhile, I’m staying behind in Illinois to mind the shop.

I was perfectly fine with that arrangement until I took a closer look at the Super Bowl party food map. As fate would have it, Florida serves up sausage cheese balls while Illinois allegedly favors chex mix. Kent will be in his element, that’s for sure! But frickin’ chex mix for Illinois? That’s beyond lame! Unless maybe it’s chex mix with sausage and cheese, then it might be okay if you ate around the mix but then why even bother with the mix, right?

Since it’s not too far away I could drive up to Wisconsin for a pinwheel but what the heck’s a pinwheel and why would I want to eat it? Clearly, the map did not say “pinwheel brat!” My Google search on “Super Bowl pinwheel recipes” resulted in such “adorable” delicacies as Cucumber Roll-Ups With Greek Yogurt or Pesto Tortilla Pinwheels. Adorable? I got yer adorable right here! A Wisconsin favorite snack without sausage or cheese? Who invaded Wisconsin and suddenly made them healthy? When did that happen? How did they let that happen?

As depressing as it sounds, I’m probably better off in Illinois with the lame chex mix.

Sausage Spaghetti Western: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

By Billy Bratzenbier
Sausage Spaghetti Western: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

To help get you in the proper frame of mind let’s start this off with the theme from “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly” by Hugo Montenegro and His Orchestra.

Recent sausage news brings to mind the iconic Spaghetti Western “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.” It’s part of the Dollars Trilogy and stars Clint Eastwood and Eli Wallach. Per the IMDB Plot Summary “Blondie (The Good) is a professional gunslinger…Angel Eyes (The Bad) is a hit man…and Tucho (The Ugly) is a wanted outlaw.”

So Billy, what’s that have to do with sausage?

The Good: The Resourceful Butcher

A recent uplifting story featured in US News and World Report tells us about the resourceful butcher who, unfortunately, got locked in a freezer. Despite the perilous situation, Chris McCabe kept his wits about him and found his way out of the freezer. He used a frozen sausage as a battering ram to free himself. Staying cool, calm and sausage-aware helped him to prevail. Good for Mr. McCabe! Chalk up another big win for frozen sausages.

The Bad: Hot Dog Stand Robbery

Per this New York Daily News report, “A 19-year-old who allegedly held up a hot dog stand on Chicago’s South Side ended up firing a round into his own South Side.”

All we ask for is the freedom to buy, sell and consume sausage products without fear of violence, ridicule or sausage persecution.

Is that so much to ask?

–Billy Bratzenbier

Sure enough, a nineteen year old genius decided to rob a hot dog stand at gunpoint. That’s outrageous behavior and is totally unacceptable. Not only is it unlawful, it also violates a sacred trust. In Chicago, places like Maxwell Street Polish are part of our heritage, part of our culture and part of what makes this city great. All we ask for is the freedom to buy, sell and consume sausage products without fear of violence, ridicule or sausage persecution. Is that so much to ask?

The Ugly: Hot Dog Robber Shoots Privates

We go back to the New York Daily News article for this one. Their headline cannot possibly be improved upon: “Man robbing hot dog stand shoots himself in the sausage.”

Despite the seriousness of the subject matter, the brief article is a great read!