Tag: Billy Bratzenbier

Florida Iguana Rain

By Billy Bratzenbier
Further Frozen Floridan Fallout

According to this article from The Guardian by Julia Carrie Wong, “Extreme temperatures across the east coast are causing cold-blooded reptiles to ‘shut down’ in Florida, while elsewhere sharks and penguins are feeling the chill.”

So alligator lizards are falling from the air? Maybe I should write a song about that … sorry, too little, too late Billy! The band America already sang about that back in the seventies. You probably remember America. They’re the band who became famous singing about heat that was hot. People found it hard to disagree with that. Forty six years later and heat is still hot. Except in Florida. With frozen iguanas falling from the sky, it couldn’t have been very hot in Florida.

Besides the frigid temps, other strange things are happening in Florida. Last month I wrote about frozen sausages falling out of the sky in Florida. Now it’s the iguanas turn.

So how do you deal with this, what do you do? Well, Billy ain’t exactly a Boy Scout, that’s for sure. But he’s down with their motto “Be Prepared.” He’s visiting Florida in a couple weeks and needs to prepare.

Take Action

For the benefit of others planning to visit the Sunshine State here’s Billy’s “Lizard Blizzard” Three Step Plan:

1) Pack a sausage helmet. You can pick up a used one here.

No matter if it’s raining frozen lizards or frozen sausages, your sausage helmet will protect you whether you take a hit on your left brain or your right brain or both.

Remember, the frozen iguanas are still alive so it’s best just to leave them alone and let them defrost and recover naturally. Besides, Billy’s planning a vacation not an iguana safari!

If you happen to get caught in a frozen sausage rain, keep reading.

2) Pack your recipes.

For the right brained: This oureverydaylife.com article by Natalie Smith is presented as a narrative and answers the question “Can You Cook Sausage When It Is Still Frozen?”

For the left brained: Ellen Douglas shares this recipe in her article entitled “How to Cook Frozen Sausages” on Livestrong.com. It is broken down into steps and is quite direct.

3) Heed the sage advice from this Japanese horror movie: “Don’t Look Up!”

Sausagefest Travel Warning: Bradford, England

By Billy Bratzenbier
If You Love Sausage, Stay Away From Bradford, England

Here’s another disturbing story from across the pond and let me tell you, this one has Billy all lathered up! As a service to our visitors and to sausage lovers everywhere, we have issued our first “Sausagefest Travel Warning.”

It has become abundantly clear that Bradford, England, is no longer a safe haven for sausage lovers. It’s not even safe for the birds! Within a short period of time and right before our eyes, Bradford has deteriorated into a sausage police state. While the U.S. State Department sits on its hands and watches, Bradford continues to inflict pain on its sausage loving citizens. Like a schoolyard bully, it won’t stop until someone stands up, pins it down and says “No more!”

Bradford’s latest actions call for an all out boycott and a Sausagefest Travel Warning. Yesterday an emergency meeting of Sausagefest’s Security Council was convened. Its members condemned Bradford’s anti-sausage actions and voted unanimously to approve the travel warning.

Yesterday an emergency meeting of Sausagefest’s Security Council was convened. Its members condemned Bradford’s anti-sausage actions and voted unanimously to approve the travel warning.

This linked article describes how the sausage haters in Bradford recently fined a mother whose kids were caught feeding sausage to pigeons. Their action is anti-family, anti-avian, anti-sausage and outrageous! Further, it’s become apparent that this is just part of an overall plan to outlaw sausage and discredit sausage lovers in Bradford.

Last month I lamented that the sausage police at Shirley Manor Primary Academy in Bradford, England, had implemented a new policy banning sausage rolls from packed lunches. You may recall that Shirley Manor’s Sausage Seizers confiscated a student’s sausage roll from his lunch and ultimately fed him two slices of plain bread as part of their “healthy” diet plan. Now a Bradford council official has fined a mother because her five year old daughter and three year old son allegedly fed sausage roll pastry crumbs to pigeons while eating lunch sitting on a park bench.

What will it take to remedy this situation? Diplomacy? Robert Heinlein’s phrase “Never attempt to teach a pig to sing: It wastes your time and annoys the pig” comes to mind. An economic boycott? No, we don’t want to harm Bradford’s sausage lovers, we want to help them. A large scale sausage drop? This may be our best option. It’s been done before and is very effective, especially when conducted in early morning hours.

As George Bernard Shaw said, “I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.” Alas poor George, it looks like we’re going to get dirty. Bradford has left us with no choice.

By dint of its recent anti-sausage actions, Bradford has earned the top spot on the Sausagefest Wall of Shame. As a result, we are prepared to take action. In the meantime, avoid travelling to Bradford at all costs!

Sausage Travel Warning Details

Sausage Alert: Sausagefest Travel Warning
Alert Level: High (well-done)
Where: Bradford, England
When: Effective Immediately
Duration: The Bradford Travel Warning will remain in effect until further notice.
Action: If you love sausage, stay away from Bradford.

Defensive Strategies:

Should you find yourself in Bradford we suggest the following:

  • 🌭 1) Remain calm as you plan your exit strategy
  • 🌭 2) Keep your sausage hidden
  • 🌭 3) Don’t feed the birds
  • 🌭 4) Employ a Dual Lunch Strategy at school*

*Dual Lunch Strategy:

Take two lunches to school. Pack a healthy decoy lunch for the inspectors and a hidden edible lunch for yourself. Present the healthy lunch to the sausage seizing lunch inspectors in order to earn their trust and admiration. A combination of rice cakes, tofu and dried organic moss will pass you through with flying colors. It will never perish so you may continue to present this lunch day after day. Take care never to touch it. Meanwhile, smuggle in your stealth lunch of sausage rolls, pork pies and/or pepperoni sticks and enjoy.

Hint: You don’t necessarily have to eat your stealth lunch during officially designated lunch hours. Remember, where there’s a will, there’s a way. The rest is up to you!

Yes, Virginia, There Is A Sausage Claus

By Billy Bratzenbier
From The “Don’t Look A Gift Sausage In The Mouth Department”

“Florida family stumped after 15 pounds of sausage falls on house” is the title of this article from ABC15 News.

Earlier this year 15 pounds of frozen Italian sausage mysteriously fell on a family home in Florida. Was the sausage dropped from a plane? Did it fall out of a sleigh? Were Santa’s elves playing with slingshots at their annual summer barbecue a few doors down? It’s likely we’ll never know.

Whatever caused the family to suspect that their lucky meatfall was part of a drug deal is beyond me. If 15 pounds of sausage fell on my house, I’d take it as proof that Sausage Claus exists. Instead of firing up conspiracy theories, I’d fire up the grill but that’s just me, Billy Bratzenbier.

The Tennis Star, The Butcher and The Sausage Baby

By Billy Bratzenbier
It’s About the Sausage, Baby

This Pedestrian article, entitled Scottish Butcher Celebrates Andy Murray’s Baby With Cursed Sausage Golem describes the unique way that Scottish butcher John Hill celebrated tennis star Andy Murray and his wife Kim’s newborn baby girl. Essentially, he created a sausage baby, so congrats to John Hill on the birth of his sausage baby. More sausage babies means more sausage and that’s a good thing.

The thing about sausage babies is that they make us smile unless they don’t. So how do you send best baby wishes to the parents of a new sausage baby?

  • 🌭 “A sausage baby changes you forever!”
  • 🌭 “Enjoy your sausage baby’s infancy!”
  • 🌭 “The joyful smile on your sausage baby will forever bring you happiness!”

Figuring out the proper sausage baby etiquette may take a while and I’ve got an appointment with Little Joe from Kokomo on the riverboat so I’ll pass this one off to Miss Manners.

Come to Billy, sausage baby needs new a new pair of shoes!

‘Tis the Season: Sausage Hope and Forgiveness, UK Style

By Billy Bratzenbier

The Advent season is upon us, a season of hope, forgiveness and salvation. Greggs, the UK’s largest bakery chain, is renowned for their sausage rolls. Now they have gained notoriety for their Advent calendar, which this year included a controversial ad featuring a sausage roll. Not just any sausage roll, mind you! This particular sausage roll was depicted lying in a manger, surrounded by wise men. Per this Time article, the “Bakery Apologizes for Replacing Jesus With a Sausage Roll in Nativity Scene.”

Some customers took offense, so in the spirit of the season Greggs sought their own hope and forgiveness by issuing an apology. According to Greggs, they never intended to cause any offense by the ad.

It’s Not Over

End of story? Not quite. According to The Independent, a British online newspaper, “LBC presenter James O’Brien told a joke about the Greggs’ sausage roll nativity, only to be told off by a disgruntled caller.”

Per the article, Mr. O’Brien engaged in this exchange with the caller:

“Spell Jesus for me,” he told the listener. “Now say it backwards,” Mr O’Brien added.

Marion spelt out the letters in “susej” – which the host asks her to read out as a word.

“It’s a sausage!” Mr O’Brien exclaimed, after the listener interjected.

Needless to say, the caller was not amused.

You cant make this stuff up! I think I’ll pass on Greggs’ Advent calendar. That’s way too much controversy for Billy Bratzenbier. I only need to know when it’s Friday, the one day you can get a Pepper & Egg with Sausage sammy over at the Buona.

Sausage Search and Seizure — A Dark Day for Sausage

By Billy Bratzenbier
Warning: What follows is a disturbing sausage story from across the pond!

Last September Shirley Manor Primary Academy in Bradford, England, implemented a new policy which bans Sausage Rolls from packed lunches!

In this BBC News article, entitled “Bradford School bans sausage rolls from packed lunches,” we learn about the school’s anti-sausage stance:

Solar eclipse image
Photo by Justin Dickey on Unsplash

“The policy says pupils are encouraged to show their packed lunches to staff before and after they have eaten.

It states pork pies, sausage rolls and pepperoni sticks should not be included and neither should fruit squash or flavoured water.”

The school’s sausage police will call parents if banned items are found in packed lunches.

As you most likely guessed, it didn’t take long for controversy to ensue. After his sausage roll was discovered and confiscated, a student was given a ham sandwich for lunch. Unfortunately, the lad is an avowed ham hater. He made the best of a bad situation by removing the ham and eating the dry sandwich. How’s that for a “healthy” lunch? Adding insult to injury, the school returned the confiscated sausage at the end of the day. Was it properly cared for and refrigerated? Or was it neglected and abused? We’ll never know….

It’s bad enough that schools now confiscate food items from packed lunches. When they teach students to hate sausage, it’s a dark, dark day. Another sign of the apocalypse, for sure!

Sausagefest Accolade

By Billy Bratzenbier

“Sausage fest” was added to the Oxford English Dictionary earlier this year. While we are incredibly proud of this prestigious accolade, we take this opportunity to officially invite a few OED editors to join us at next year’s Sausagefest. Our hope is that by attending Sausagefest they will better understand the true meaning of Sausagefest and perhaps update their erroneous definition to include all genders and all lovers of sausage.

Still, it’s a great accomplishment, even though “cat lady,” “craptacular” and “haterade” were also added this year.

My personal favorite is: “In vino veritas: Under the influence of alcohol, a person tells the truth.” Next year they need to add​: “In sausage vino veritas: under the influence of sausage and wine, all bets are off.”